School started last on Monday, my first day going to grad school, my first day of being all grown up, the first day that I hadn't seen Jordon in a month. Also the first day I noticed that I'm not really all that smart.Everyone in my class, I mean everyone is brilliant. Maybe I am not quite so lovely and talented as I thought? Impossible. And I feel far away from Jordan, I was there for him all summer and for the first time, already I am afraid that I wont be able to support him, that I wont be enough, that he will find someone that is available all the time, and I will left in the dust.
Silly I know, but these are the things I think of when I am in class on a late summer day. I wonder who I am, where I am going, and wonder too if it is all so pointless, and if I am just a selfish silly girl, and not the person that I pretend to be. I have always mocked those people that look back fondly at the misery that was high school, but now for the first time I am scared and wish things were just a bit simpler.
On another note thanks for all the comments on my first post. Now everyone please tell me that I really am very smart and that Jordan will love me forever.
Thank you!!!
46 comments:
Awe baby its cool. School will get better once you meet some people and start to fit in. You are smart and funny and adorable and I will love you forever! Big hugs baby. I sent you a care package too ;) XOXO
i can't believe it. you're right. Dave hasn't commented on your blog ever either.
don't worry, you are not only witty, you are waaay smarter than me.
ps, my moto is fake it til you feel it. just keep pretending.
Damn, I love the expression on your face.
Thanks baby!
You are a doll.
Cher...I know what an a-hole.
You ARE smart, and everything will work out!! I believe that everything that is meant to be, will be, although you may end up taking a different life path than you planned or expected..
P.S. What are you majoring in? Just curious, I'm applying for Grad school the following year, I just graduated too!
http://migratingcoconuts.wordpress.com/
Egan...My face can do all sorts of things!!! It is quite malleable.
M...an MBA...I know. Yuck.
Hell if you made it this far u have to be smart, I think....I am not smart enuff to think that hard....how many years is grad skool?
Nice new blog, and thanks for stopping by my place.
I think the first semester of grad school is meant to break a person down, give you self doubt, and ultimately question why you went in the first place (at least it did for me). It also usually gets better :)
I should warn you that I dropped out of grad school. So feel free to disregard everything in the preceding paragraph.
honkie...it is a one year program, three if I fail.
Grad school...hence the name?
Angela,
Congratulations, you survived the first week of grad school without dropping out1 The hardest part is over, it is all smooth sailing behind that gust of pent up genious you have just released!
So what are you studing?
Since I don't know you yet, and I don't know a thing about your boyfriend, it is hard to say he would never leave you - I can say it would be damn hard never to see such an adorable face ever again!
Congratulations on surviving your firts week!
I googled three big black men. I didn't read anything here. Am I right? I'll toss in, you're pretty. Go get'em.
I know the feeling. Just think of it as competition, and use it as motivation to show that you truly are smarter than all those idiots. That is of course if you actually are smarter and/or more talented than them, which is possibly not the case. But banish those thoughts!
I felt stupid my whole way through grad school. It's natural to feel that way. Just make friends with your profs and you'll be fine.
Girl, you are so not alone. I felt like a total moron my entire time with grad school the first go-around. Now I'm starting a second Masters program on Monday, and I'm certain that old feeling will come creeping back in. Hang in there, kid. My best advice? Fake it. Let everyone else think you're brilliant (because you most certainly are). Then go home and bawl your eyes out in the dark. Works for me every time. :)
jford...oh my! You will make me swoon!
Toby...But I am neither big nor black...
The duck...You are quite wise for fowl.
Airam...When you say make friends do you mean sleep with them? because I will...
Megan...second masters? Now I am scared all over again.
Never fear - if you keep at it - it will all turn out fine. I got my Master's a couple of years ago. I had a six year relationship end (her doing) at the very time I was starting grad school so I was kind of at a crossroads.
I pressed on and got through the rough times - the day I was handed that diploma - everything, even the pain, was worth it. You'll be fine.
Good Luck.
The fact that you are writng about it, tells me that you will be fine :)
About Jordan.... I can't say, but it seems like you two are on a good start!
CONGRATS on going to grad school. I graduated from mine 6 years ago!....Wow, how the time passes you by ;)
You'll make it through. You will. What's your program of study?
oh, and I agree with grad school rejects first paragraph. I have 24 papers due just in one of my classes....one class, 24 papers.
Is that dude you date a mexican?
Hey everybody! Hi baby.. I am going to go out with the boys tonight and just wanted you to know. I will call you when I get home.
Paul I am from Barranquilla Columbia by way of The Philippines. Mexico is like the trailer park that divides north and south America so I know what you mean yo.
Appletini - What does "About Jordan.... " mean? that was kinda harsh. You don't even know me...
Night baby, I will call you later, xoxoxoxoxox!!
Tony....you are a scholar and a gentleman.
Appletini...Jordan is a sweetheart. We will be fine. and 6 years! Wow.
Party girl...ugh. I am in a one year MBA program, it is going to be a bitch...
Paul...And if he was?
Jordan...Your new photo is amazing darling. I just called you...are you out?
Ha! I figured my comment would lead stray to that thought ... no I don't mean sleep with them. But hey you're both consenting adults right?
Airam - She only has eyes for me. We are going to get married in Jamaica. Right baby?
I am not out baby, I am at my apartment. My phone was set to silent because of the telemarketers. I need to get on that no call list for real..
You there sweet pea?
Airam...I will do what I have to do to get an A!
Jordan...Hey!! Your phone is never on lately. I am coming up tomorrow! I just tried to call you again and still nothing...
Ok try now, My ringer is on! LOL!
Okay baby. Here it comes!!!
Awe.. I have to say now having you on the phone, to everyone paying attention, I love you!
Knock it off...you are so smooth.
Love you too baby. Now stop typing and talk to me
grad school mama!
It rocks. I mean, sometimes professors treat you like shit. And it's a BOATLOAD of $$, and you feel like a weird big kid...
but it still rocks. Honest.
How about I tell you you're very photogenic?
Not big nor black? You're still pretty as they come. A little Beastie Boys always reminds me of a time when small white guys were going to take over the world. Oh wait! Some small white guy (Funky Monkey) IS trying to take over the world.
Heya:
Thanks for dropping by the blog. I just started grad school, too. I gave up the bizness stuff and went with writing. Of course, I never write anymore.
Go figure.
Have I ever told you how smart you are? Everything's going to work out just fine. Trust me.
By the way, Hi, I'm Captain Corky. Will you be my friend?
Just me...well if you say so right now the only thing rocking is my stomach.
Chickybabe..why thank you!
Toby...and I spelled Brooklyn wrong on my URL...see why I am insecure as of late?
Bugwit...mid life crisis much? :)
Captain...keep talking like that and you will be my best friend.
Hi Everyone on blogger LOL!
I am watching Xmen 2 on FX.
I love this movie! pffft!
Oh and I cooked tacos tonight! Sorry baby I know how you love my tacos! LOL!
Is every fucking college boy on the planet named Jordan now??!
Reading your post made me get goose bumps. Five years ago, I was a new grad student and I was thinking the EXACT same things you mention. Now that I am about to leave so very soon, I cannot help but look back at all these years and how they've changed me.
Good luck with your relationship with Jordan. Hopefully, everything will work out great b/w you two *knocks wood*
Awww, Jordan.... I didn't mean it that way. I think you misinterpreted my comment. I just meant exactly what you said, I don't know.
All your colleagues probably think the same of you: that you're brilliant.
Good luck. What do you study, anyway?
Everyone in my class, I mean everyone is brilliant.
Yea, but they're probably ugly. Take comfort in that.
I see blogging hasn't sucked you in completely just yet. I will be checking back regularly to see if we need an intervention.
Are you fading away? Studying too much? Or just having too much of a life to blog!
How are things with grad school?
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